ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
