Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
