you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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