Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
