If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
