its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
