you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
