hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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