When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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