my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
