My liver just broke up with me...
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
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