Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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