Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
