Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
