where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
