Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
