On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
