i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
this hospital has no fireball
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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