I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
