I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
