Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
