I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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