Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just cropdusted the office
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
