My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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