mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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