The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dating After Heartbreak
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds