bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."