I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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