My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
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If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
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Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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