alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
