we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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