WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
