My cat gives me a boner
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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