The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
