I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
