i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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