I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
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well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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