I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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