either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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