rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
