Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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