No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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