I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
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Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
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It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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