i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
