Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
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Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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