Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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