i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
im having a threesome with these popsicles
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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