i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
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It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
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Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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