forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
