you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
