I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
