6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
