nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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